how many people have a hard time making friends since dx'ed??

[momofphoenix]

I was just sitting here over the weekend wondering if anyone else has a hard time making new friends since diagnosis? I had told my hubby I wanted to have a new years eve party at our house and to invite some of the married marines from work. That way he would have "guys" to play ***** with and I would met some of the wifes and Phoenix would have kids to play with. Well he mentioned that no one wants to come to our house cause we have a "sick" kid :eek:
Where in the Heck does that come from?? Phoenix isn't a sick kid! He is a normal kid who happens to have D. It isnt like they are gonna catch it or thier kids are going to catch it. I just dont get it. Since Phoenix was dx'ed we have only made maybe 4 good friends that we hang out with and do stuff with. I just dont understand.. We met tons of people, and have people over but after they see me check Phoenix's bs they either leave saying "oh it's getting late we better get going" and never come over again or call or they walk out of the room and try to avoid Phoenix.... Has anyone else had this happen to them?? At first I though we were just a smelly family ;) but we shower daily so that isnt it :p.... I am feeling very frustrated right now, I want to make new friends, I am so far away from my family and friends back home in MN that I am feeling isolated. Sorry this thread turned into a pitty party instead of a vent/question thread...... :cwds:

[Sari]

We don't seem to make a lot of friends either - but I can't really say it's because of diabetes. People we do know seem fine with it. We have had one set of friends offer to learn about D and his pump so some day they can take care of ROss for us. But ironically lately we don't even get invited to their house a lot. I think it's just us and that we are kinda quiet and laid back. Who knows.

[Bsbllmom]

We haven't really met anyone new but the friends that we have since before dx are great. They are really supportive, most of them are teachers where I work and all of my friends attended a diabetes class that our district nurse held. Are there other children with T1 in your area? Maybe you can start some sort of support group.

[momofphoenix]

There is one other child that lives on base that has T1 but I dont know who him or his family are. He doesnt attend the same Elem. School as my dd. Other then that I also post on a yahoo d group on occation and there are other parents here in VA that post but they live about 1-2 hours from us and it is hard to set up "play" dates with them....

[BrendaK]

When you meet someone new and have to deal with diabetes care, how do you approach it? Do you go in a back corner and "secretly" take care of him, or do you explain to your new friends what you are doing? I think that if you take the "secretive" approach, people get scared and don't know what you are doing. If you say, hey, I just need to check his blood sugar, he has diabetes and the new friends see your child is completely normal otherwise, then it's not such a scary thing. I know people who try and be "quiet" about the whole D thing in public so they don't offend anyone by syringes and blood sugar checks, but I think that it scares people off. If they have to go back into a corner to deal with D, then maybe we shouldn't hang out with them.

Maybe you're not doing any of this stuff at all and people are just being rude and weird. Just my thoughts for the day.

Other things that don't have anything to do with D -- our society is so "independent" and private. We stay at home alone, watch TV alone, surf the net alone -- everything is alone -- most people would hesitate to go knock on their neighbors door that they don't know very well and ask them to dinner. More thoughts for the day.... I hope things get better for you. And I hope your husband is more supportive -- maybe he's been telling everyone your kid is "sick" and that's why they don't want to come over.

[AlisonKS]

I really never put myself out there to make friends here in TX cause I always knew we'd move, the same with when dh was in the military-I made a few close ones but everytime I became close with someone they'd move far away! We're moving soon so I really hope to make some friends cause we hopefully will stay in Oregon, but I do have my sister who has children close in age to Tony.
I do go to indoor playgrounds and stuff with Tony a lot, just so he gets some socialization, but I noticed everything gets real quiet when I test him, I do it all out in the open. I think it's just shocking to everyone period when they see a kid getting poked! I did join some playgroups that I found on meetup.com (I think that's the website) but found it hard to get out of the house because of D. in the beginning. Maybe you can find one there?

[momofphoenix]

I personally check Phoenix where ever. I dont hide him from the world, I dont hide his D from others either. I could care less if someone is offended by a syring or a bs check I will do anything I have to to keep my baby safe and healthy BUT my hubby would rather me take him to the bathroom and do his injection then for the people sitting at the table next to ours see me doing a bs check or injection. Even if we go to McDonalds he will pick a table in the very back of the place that faces a wall then I can do his stuff right there. I really hope he isnt telling people that Phoenix is a "sick' kid... that would be a very bad thing, that could call for a U-Haul and some packing tape and some box's :D

I talk with my neighbors but that is about it. We will go over and play cards once in a while, we used to hang out with them every weekend until they seen me dealing with a stuborn bs of 22 one night, it took me about 35 minutes to get him to 50 and I was on my cell with the Endo, since then they invite us over once every so often to play cards cause they need 8 people and thier other friends couldnt make it :mad: We dont go over there anymore since they mentioned that to my hubby and I.... And the pisser of it is one of them is a Endo Nurse!!! :eek: I never ask her opinion or ask her for help with any of his cares or adjustments so it isnt like I am having her working on my kid while I'm over in the corner sucking down a bottle of wine. I dont know maybe I'm just in a mood today :( and feeling sorry for myself

[Mama2H]

Alot of the people in our area drink for entertainment bars, playing cards, etc Since Hailey's dx we do not drink like we used to and therefore alot of our "old friends" do not think we are any fun anymore :( Even our neighbors who the first year or so were really supportive have started to pull away because we are not interested in sitting at the bar Saturday night or getting trashed while watching a PPV fight. Annoys the snot out of me :( So for now I enjoy the friendships that we have made through our support group and CWD. I miss playing cards and getting together though, maybe I wills start a Wii fun night ;)

[KeltonsMom]

Kelton makes lots of friends very easily, I on the other hand have lost some friends here recently since my dx :eek:

I guess they can no longer relate to me now that I am "one of them" like my son..

I do not understand it, I as a person have not changed. The only thing that has changed is now I am on insulin..

When we lived in NY Kelton lost some friends because he was considered to be diseased:mad:

[Nancy in VA]

We are fortunate, so far. Maybe its because Emma is so young. My entire babysitting co-op was willing to let me show them how to check her sugar (I had each person test themselves) and so far I don't think anyone has refused to take her when requested for a sit. I have 3 that have also volunteered to learn how to dose her, etc. But, we don't do a lot of "Adult things" with other friends. We are so busy with kids activities that we tend to just be "friends" with the parents of our kids friends. I also have been able to get a sitter if we wanted to "go out" and maybe that's why - they see that it hasn't really "changed" our lifestyle. But we're lucky to have some people we can leave her with if we need to - if you don't have a sitter, people might be wary of inviting you because they feel like you won't have childcare.

[lynn]

This is such a sad thread. I know that I have become a bit of a hermit since diagnosis. It isn't that I have closed myself in my house. I just have different priorities than I used to--different things are important to me than before.

Everybody else hasn't had the big change that I have so I don't have as much in common as they do. We just sort of drift now.

Lynn

[wendyc]

Funny, all the new people I seem to meet lately are parents of kids with D. We have a core group of friends who have stuck tight through thick and thin, and we have lost some friends, others have become standoffish. I have one friend who is actually jealous because her child is no longer the only one with a chronic condition:confused:

I have noticed that Abby doesn't get invited over for playdates as much as her sister, so I try and have them at our house. I know it is out of fear, and I fully understand that. She has one great friend who's mom works the playdates between meals and always serves low carb snacks (sf jello or popcorn, veggies dip) so that I don't have to truck over to bolus. She knows what to look for with Abby and knows to treat first, then call me. It has worked very well.

I'm sorry that your husband thinks that your child isn't invited over because your son is sick. That unfortunately is the thinking of many people, that our kids are sick. Our kids aren't sick, they just have a pancreas that doesn't feel like working to its full potential. I found that going in and talking to Abby's class eased the fear of kids thinking they can catch it, did the same with a close group of friends and Brownies too.

[WestinsMom]

I have a friend who has a son that is very close to Westin. They were always wanting him to come over. So one day I let him and I sent him with stuff for a gluten free grilled cheese for lunch and I made sure they called with bs info and such. All went well but he hasn't been invited over since. We have their son over all the time though, and I really don't mind. But maybe they got just a little hint of what I deal with and it is just too much for them to want to volunteer? I think our family is the same way. They don't ask for the boys. We will beg a couple hours here and there when we really need them...but they never offer. I know it is more work than other kids but can't they think of someone other than themselves. Not only would it be nice for our D kids to be invited and included, it would be nice for us parents to get that break too.

As for adult friends for us parents...I just think it is harder as we get older to make really good friends. Sure, we have lots of friends, but we don't have hardly any that we do stuff with. Okay, we might not have any! I do things with the mom's from our homeschool group. I have my own very close girlfriends. But as a family, nope, not much happening there. It is just hard. Like Brenda said, we just do stuff alone.

[momtojess]

My dh isnt a social person. I am lucky if I can get him to go out once a year with another couple. He doesnt even like to have people over.

Me, personally, havent had any trouble with friends, new or old. I have 2 great friends still in Ohio that I visit when we go up (and I know both of them would watch Jess if i needed them too) and I have 2 good friends here in TN that have taken Jess for me, and 2 others that I am firneds with that have watched her.

D is such a huge part of our lives, we dont hide any of it. Everyone I know knows I have a D kid.

[hold48398]

I am so sorry. That is so sad :(!!! I have to say that I feel extremely fortunate: We have wonderful friends from before dx and I met some more wonderful friends since dx. It doesn't seem to phase them at all that Mia has D - quite the contrary..I think many of them feel helpless and actually would like to know how they could help more!

I try to stay away from anyone that is a negative influence on me, my family or my kids. Life is simply too short!!

[Daniel's Mom 1993]

I guess it is a little differnt for us - Daniel is 14 and is very capable of managing for himself and will not hesitate to call me with questions. But I do find we have only been out a couple of times since dx for same reasons as listed by someone - priorities have changed - partying is not as much fun. Daniel had one girl he really liked that I think got scared of him going low - which he never did around her but she stopped talking to him?? he was hurt but he met someone else who is much more understanding ( she has siezures which are under control but she knows what it is like to have a chronic illness) It is very sad that people are not more understanding and willing to give us a chance but before dx I guess I had my head in the sand too but I really hope I never shunned anyone ( I know never on purpose). Good luck with finding the right people to circle around you.

[kiwimum]

This thread is so appropriate for us. Since dx, only a couple of friends have stuck by us and the ones that have drifted away have done so because they think we over react and use D as an excuse.
BUT..... alot of it is our fault too. I know we have withdrawn ourselves from the social scene abit, not that we were ever into it. Carl and I have always prefered to stay home and watch a movie together or talk. But on occasions it was nice to go out. Now we just can't be bothered. A bbq is fun while we are there, but if Tyler is excited or been swimming or just extra active, we know in the back of our minds that we are in for a long night. Sometimes it just doesn't seem worth it!
As someone else mentioned, our priorities have changed and being the life and soul of a party just isn't one of them!

[Momof4gr8kids]

I haven't had a harder time meeting new people, or talking to them, but not as friends. I have a hard time bonding, and don't let people too close. I am also not someone you'd see at the bar on the weekend. I'd rather take a hike, rent a movie, or find something else to do with my DH and kids. So I take full credit, or blame for why I haven't made too many new friends in the past year. Really I have a hard time keeping up with the ones I have so it isn't a big issue for me. However Jess, being on a fairly new base I can understand how that must be very hard. Do you think that Joe may be why they think DS is sick? Joe was gone a while, and I know he knew about D before he left, but maybe it was weird for him, or maybe he felt panicked about it for some reason and implied DS diabetes that way? I'd suggest trying to get to know some of the wives when school starts back up. Maybe you can go to lunch, or something.
Take care, Jamie

[coni]

Although the reasons may differ, you are not the only one noticing a harder time making good friends post-diagnosis. Part of my difficulty is a lack of time. It's sad, and it's frequently a lonlier existence than I would have had in the past, but it's the reality for now. Thank goodness there are a few friends who have stuck with me and some others who have been friendly knowing DD's situation.

[Mom2Madi]

We've been in the military for 24 years and have moved 13x. We've always had an incredibly busy social life and more friends than we ever had time for every place we've lived. We moved here to Texas after my DD was dx, she went into the 4th grade 3 mths later. At the first school conference I asked the teacher if she had any friends and was told she was alone a lot, it was the same thing I'd been seeing since I was at the school 2x a day in the beginning giving shots and checking BS since it was all new. I asked that she be moved next to a girl that I knew she'd like and they became instant friends and now she had a buddy to go to the nurse with for the first time. We asked this girl over quite a bit but she could never come. Finally in the spring I cornered the mother and to make a long story short she didn't want the girls to be friends due to D.

Madi only had only a couple bday party invites all year (my non-D son had many more) and 2 out of the 3 she asked from her class to her own party didn't come - one was the girl whose mother was scared of us.

We've been here 18 mths now and only have a couple of friends (and this year is better than last). It's worlds away from the life we used to have and I'm just so floored that people are this cold and ignorant - I figured it was where we lived - but reading this thread shows me it happens all over which is truly sad because they are kids who just want to be like everyone else. I'm really not looking forward to my daughter going to a huge middle school next year - the elementary school has 1315 kids and she's the only one with D.

[Boo]

We haven't really had problems with regards to diabetes and friends, but I have noticed that as our children grow and get involved in activities, our lives have become so centered around them, that our "friends" now are mainly our kids' friends' parents. :) Most are very nice and friendly, but equally as busy with their own families, so other than our kids activities, we don't really do much else with them.

It's funny, though, that some have mentioned the priorities changing. I've thought about this a lot lately, and was wondering if it was just me "getting old" (please...no offense to anyone...I turn 40 this month). On the rare occasions that my husband and I do get out for a fun evening, sometimes I resent the fact that I feel like I need to curb it earlier so that I am certain that I will make safe decisions regarding corrections, etc. later that night. How immature is THAT (that it bothers me)?!

Actually, my in-laws are taking the kids overnight this Saturday. I guess that is my chance to have that extra drink. :D (Though I probably won't... just in case they call late night with a question/problem and I'd need to have my wits about me. :rolleyes:) I'm afraid those days are over for me...as I said, I turn 40 soon, so I guess it's about time, eh?

[momofphoenix]

I have made one friend that I used to go have coffee with and we would get together when the kids were in school, but that is really it. I mean we have a few friends and only 1 from back home that we are still close with. As for this being new to us... today is Phoenix's 5 year anniversary, so it isnt new to us. Joe doesnt look at DS as sick he looks at me like I let it run my life. I dont think he relizes that I do ALL D stuff. I do the doctor appts, I do the bs checks, I do the midnight bs checks, I do the carb counting, I do it all plus the school crap, and the household stuff, pay the bills, and everything else. Maybe unknowingly I have pulled away from people... But I dont think I do, I am a friendly person and my hubby is more unsociable person.. I dont know maybe it is our personalitys that have made it harder to make friends.. And that we are Military so we move around more

[Mary Lou]

Wow. This thread IS really sad.

I thought it was just me.

We used to have a huge social circle of friends.

Since Brian's dx'd, we totally circled the wagons and focused on being good "diabetes care providers".

We still have a few good friends, and some new friends have popped out of the woodwork. Many more people have drifted away.

I don't think it's because of the diabetes directly, but because we are too tired to put the effort into so large a group.

>>SIGH<<

[Bsbllmom]

I think in the beginning we kind of had to make D our life. I know, with us, we haven't gone to as many friend's houses in the last year. It wasn't all because of D though. Anthony started highschool and it seems like every weekend we were doing something with his band.

Now I am usually the one to make calls to get everyone together. We usually have karaoke parties here at my house. I think that if you had friends before and you haven't gotten together with them you might want to call them and say "hey it has been a while since we have gotten together. I know since xxxx dx we have been sort of consumed but we are ready to get back on track with our friends". Or something to that effect. Maybe they feel like your plate is full and you wouldn't be able to come to their house.

[Charmed7]

I find it hard to make new friends, and keep old ones. We have a few that understand if we can't be in touch 24/7 and they come around when invited. But our main event has been going to mom's house mostly. Even my step family has become distant. They blame me for "not letting go" and I blame them for not stepping up to the plate and learning what they need to learn. So we are stuck, and no one is calling anyone. I figure, I've got enough on my plate, I don't feel like patching problems that aren't mine.

What I was thinking about your situation though, was what if you have a sort of "D" event. I started a new job in May, and in Aug & Sept I was asking co-workers for support and walkers for the JDRF Walk. I wrote a small story explaining our situation and tried to encourage people to walk. It opened a door for people to ask me about diabetes and my son. Some people said they wanted to walk. And a lot were asking me what diabetes was, and how my son handled it. I think (with many conditions) the general public doesn't know if they can approach you with questions without coming off rude or ignorant. If you were to try and host a bake sale or something, I think it would open up doors for the other wives to get involved. They can do some baking and you will have people coming around to purchase the goods. It opens you up to talk freely and it won't be such a mystery to them.

My only warning is, if 50% of the people are open and you start making bonds, the other 50% will give you all that advice you hear people complaining about on the boards. ;) So just be aware you won't get through to everyone, but you might make some new friends.

Also, I noticed when I "just" check sugar, people sort of jump in their seat like they weren't expecting that. Keep the dialogue open so they know they can talk to you. We test 1500 times a day, it's no big deal. But they may have only seen it once and it might freak them out a bit.

Good luck, and know you can always find a friend on here.

Charmed

[Tamara Gamble]

I think this is terrible. What a horrible thing that grown men and woman can't understand a child with diabetes and a mom who has no choice but to take care of that child. How self serving can you be? Consider yourself lucky that they are not your friends. Wouldn't want to be with them in a fox hole. If blood started flying they may leave you behind because they can't handle it.

My family is full of military some of them are a little wacky but none of them would have ever walked away from a family with a need. In fact we were taught to have a great deal of compassion for those who were less fortunate than ourselves. I guess in this situation I should be praying for the idiots who clearly lack a brain as well as compassion. Sorry, gramps.

Seriously, I guess I don't worry about it. I make friends where ever I go. It drives my husband nuts that it is so easy for me. The lesson that my children are learning is that you can make friends no problem but be careful who you choose to spend your time with. Sometimes I make friends with someone who clearly needs one and this is the sole reason why I became their friend. There are fun friends, friends you can tell anything too, sports friends, all kinds of friends.

The one's I would really call my friends are the one's that live their lives with purpose, the one's who would never look down their nose at anyone unless they were helping them to get back up. You know, the one's who will always be there. You don't need alot of these people, just a few. If you are one of these people, it will fall into place. People will be scratching your door down trying to come in and you will get to choose. Don't worry about making friends, focus on who you are becoming, the right people will find you.

Today I want you to celebrate the fact that you are a wonderful person and that your family is doing well. Don't focus on the moron's that make life difficult. Live a purposeful life and smile because the sun is rising and God has granted each of us another day.

You are in my thoughts and prayers!

Tami