In-laws, Ugh! What do you think?

[staciebco]

Here's my dilemma. Our two oldest children have been invited to spend some time at my in-laws home for a few days before school starts again next week. I don't think they should be allowed to go. When Caleb was dx'd we discussed this and determined that they would not do the necessary things to ensure Caleb's health and well-being, so therefore if he couldn't go, no one would go. Now that the time has actually come, my dh is wavering.

Let me add that my IL's are little bit of a wack-a-doodle. They just recently got electricity after 10+ years of only using a diesel generator "when necessary". And the house is not the most sanitary place either. Add that to the fact that they treat my DH terribly, and I don't want ANY of my kids there and especially now that Caleb needs someone who is going to take exceptional care of him.

What do you think? Am I over-reacting? Should I let them go? And when it's Caleb's turn just explain to him why he can't go?

[LJS118]

If they all can't go, I wouldn't let anyone go. Its just not fair to Caleb! Its definitely going to hurt his feelings.

[Mom2rh]

I'm on your side. If I were you I'd be glad they don't want Caleb so you have an excuse not to send the other two.

[wendyc]

All or nothing.

Sorry it has to be like that for your kids:(

[frizzyrazzy]

I think you're 100% correct.

we've had to make similiar decisions with my mil too. My children went to my mil's from the time they were newborns - I mean 2 mths old and my mil would pick them up and take them for the day. No problem. As they got older they pretty much spent half of every school holiday at her house, so it was a nice break for everyone - dh and I would get 4 or 5 childfree days and she'd get time wiht them. But since Ian's dx mil hasn't really shown that she's willing to learn enough that I trust that he'll be safe. So if he doesn't go the oldest doesn't go either. I let the oldest do other things with mil but not the extended sleepovers that they both got used to. Its not fair to anyone - the oldest that she can't go anymore and the youngest for being punished that he has D. But I feel that the safety of the youngest has to be the priority over the hurt feelings of the oldest.

[Mary Lou]

I agree. YOu can't send the older two and not Caleb.

Can you talk to your in-laws to judge whether or not they'd step up and learn the diabetes care?

If you can't trust them, then you can't, and I don't mean to pry, but we've had some strange family reactions to diabetes and I'm starting to wonder if I'd have more help if I asked for it, instead of waiting to see who would volunteer...

[Boo]

Let me add that my IL's are little bit of a wack-a-doodle. They just recently got electricity after 10+ years of only using a diesel generator "when necessary". And the house is not the most sanitary place either. Add that to the fact that they treat my DH terribly, and I don't want ANY of my kids there and especially now that Caleb needs someone who is going to take exceptional care of him.

I'm glad you added this...it puts your version of "wack-a-doodle" into perspective, and I know that you're not overreacting :D!

Do the kids WANT to go there? How does Caleb feel about it? I'd lean toward a no for everybody, unless the older two REALLY want to go, and Caleb is fine with staying with you.

So, they treat your husband terribly, but he wants to let them go? :confused:

[staciebco]

If you can't trust them, then you can't, and I don't mean to pry, but we've had some strange family reactions to diabetes and I'm starting to wonder if I'd have more help if I asked for it, instead of waiting to see who would volunteer...

Here's the problem, they don't know Caleb's been dx'd. I know it's been a year, but we only talk to them at Christmas. They live in the next town over, but don't call, don't come over, etc. Jeremy, my dh, used to call regularly and the like, but they wouldn't return his call so he finally stopped. Also, when Caleb was dx'd last year, Jeremy called and left a message to call us, they didn't call until Christmas(this year) to invite us to their Christmas Eve get-together. I might add this is his Dad and Step-Mother. His bio mom passed when he was 15. The relationships between his family has been strained ever since. The SM allows no one to speak of the bio-mom. See, I told you they are wack-a-doodle.

It wouldn't really be an issue, except our oldest son, loves to hang out with his Grandpa. They have horses and Jared loves to ride, we ran into Grandpa at the local ranchware store and he invited the kids out then. I didn't want to be rude, without Jeremy there, so I said we'd talk about it and let him know. Big mistake. I should have said "no" and just handled it, now I've got DS and DH working on me to let them go. :mad:

[Lee]

Oooohhhh, here is another perspective, even though it may not be the best. My two girls LOVE to spend time apart, so if they know that they each are doing 'special' things, then it works well. However, I don't recommend sending your d son. And I do recommend telling the in laws why and asking them to come over and learn. That way the ball is in their court and they decide whether to become involved in d life or to ignore it. And then they cannot place the blame of the No on you - they would have to own it.

[Mrs. Russman]

Just another perspective,
When my dad was single, only our oldest two would go visit and only one at a time. It was kinda like a right of passage, in our case 6 years old. "When you are six you can go spend a few days with papa too"
If you trust your fil to take care of your oldest, then you could just send him..The others would have to wait until they are older...Hopefully until Caleb is old enough to do most of his D care...

[dnkool]

You are totally in the right. You are looking out for the best interest of your child, this is his LIFE we are talking about. I am sure your DH will get over it, if not then he is not thinking straight right now. Either way you are right and I would not allow my child to go either. :o

[Sarah Maddie's Mom]

Could just your oldest go? If I read your post right he's considerably older than your second oldest and at 11 maybe it would be a treat for him to have a special time away from the younger 3?

[Gwyn]

Could you all go and visit instead of just the kids? I can't leave my kids with their Grandmas or Grandad, but I can sit and read a book in the other room or watch TV while they do their own thing.

I treat it like a would a sports practice etc. I usually need to be there "just in case", but I'm still doing my own thing and they are too.

Just a thought.

[wkat]

Since they live so close, would it be possible to compromise and send your oldest two for the day or just one night? Or just your eldest if the other one doesn't want to go? If two stay at home, and it's not just your son w/ D, you could just explain it that they could only handle having two kids at a time. I grew up w/ T1 and there were times when my brother went to FL to visit my grandparents and I couldn't go, before I was able to self-manage. This really wasn't so terrible for me, personally. I understand your feelings about wanting to be fair and have all kids treated equally, but it sounds like only the older two were invited, so I'm not sure how D is even part of the equation in this situation? If you're saying the older two can't go b/c Caleb hypothetically can't go, I'm not sure that makes sense - not at all trying to dismiss your feelings about it though.

Wendy
T1 33 years

[kiwikid]

I have the same problem with my own parents :( They are happy to have the 3 older kids, but when Rachel looks hopefully at them, Grandma shakes her head and says she doesn't know how to look after her. It's really sad and Rachel is now at the age where she can't be fobbed off.
I am really lucky that my eldest daughter offered to take full care of Rachel for a couple of nights this week so they could all stay at Grandma's. We had just called in to visit after our in-laws New Year gathering (they live 3 hrs away) and Grandma asked the oldest 2 if they wanted to stay. Elizabeth volunteered to have Rachel too. I am so proud of her :cwds: She rings every meal time to check carbs etc

Another thing to think about is are your other children being held back because of Caleb's D? I have HUGE jealousy, sibling rivalry between my 11 yr old and Rachel. Anna thinks 'everything' revolves around Rachel. And sometimes it does. Maybe your older kids need a break. Would your 11 yr old cope with looking out for Caleb? Maybe your 11 yr old could go on his own?

[staciebco]

. If you're saying the older two can't go b/c Caleb hypothetically can't go, I'm not sure that makes sense - not at all trying to dismiss your feelings about it though.

Wendy
T1 33 years

That's exactly what I'm saying. I feel that if all the kids can't go at some point, then no ones goes at all.

If we had a better relationship with them for the rest of the year, I might feel differently, however, if we're only in relationship at the holidays because of guilt or whatever, don't bother.

But maybe, I'm wrong. :rolleyes: I'm willing to admit that I have some anger over how they treat my DH and maybe I'm punishing my kids because of that.

You all make good points, and it certainly warrants more discussion with my Beloved. ;)

Thanks so much!

[deafmack]

I agree with you. I know that my I would be the same way. I know that the only people who take care of my nephew because of his health problems are his parents, me and his grandparents. We were the only ones willing to learn what to do. At times it may not seem fair, but you have to go with your gut instinct. You are the parent.

[wilf]

Since Caleb was not invited, this is not a diabetes issue but a family issue.

No reason to not send the two oldest if they wish to go. Since the in-laws don't know about the D there was no conscious decision to exclude.

Lots of bigger families I know (including my extended family) will send some but not all children off on various excursions/sleepovers/visits etc. We will often send one daughter but not the other to visit Grannie..

[Heather(CA)]

I'm glad you added this...it puts your version of "wack-a-doodle" into perspective, and I know that you're not overreacting :D!

Do the kids WANT to go there? How does Caleb feel about it? I'd lean toward a no for everybody, unless the older two REALLY want to go, and Caleb is fine with staying with you.

So, they treat your husband terribly, but he wants to let them go? :confused:

This is what I was thinking...Maybe Caleb whould like having alone time with mom and dad, yu could have a fun day, go to the movies, bowling...If the wanted to go though...All or nothing

Whoa, Caleb wasn't invited??? Nevermind, I missed that part, sorry, I'm tired tonight

[OSUMom]

Would Caleb want to go? Sometimes one of mine would want to go and the other not - no feelings hurt. This might be hard to find out without letting the cat out of the bag and I wouldn't want to do that by any means. If Caleb would want to go and is being excluded, all or nothing in my opinion. If it's the number of kids at a time - or if you could go with Caleb at another time and explain it that way then okay - but yea you don't want to hurt the little guy's feelings, and why would grandma and grandpa? :(