wrote a letter to Kat's classmates parents

[czardoust]

Dear parents of Mrs. Hollingsworth’s class,


My name is Carolyn Zardoust, mom to Katerina who is in Mrs. Hollingsworth’s class this year. I wanted to write this at the beginning of the year but just now got my printer to work, I’m sorry for the delay.
Katerina has Type 1 Diabetes. I’ve noticed a pattern in kindergarten and this year also that Katerina herself has also noticed and has come to me and asked me about. No one has ever in her school history, invited her to a birthday party. She wants to know why. Having come out and said that, I hope no one takes offense because my purpose is not to point a finger, but to educate in a positive way.
Type 1 is not the kind of diabetes you get from getting fat, eating junk food or being lazy. She was 3 yrs old and one day her pancreas died, it’s just an inherited thing. I measure all her food, count the carbs and give insulin to correct her for everything she eats and I check her blood sugar 10 times every day and night to help her maintain a healthy body. She eats whatever she wants within reason, no different than any other child. Diabetics no longer have to stay away from sugared foods, because doctors have discovered that a carb is a carb no matter the source and it’s the carbs that are measured to determine the insulin dose. She is able to eat cake, ice cream, pizza, whatever is served at a party.
I just wanted the parents to know this so when the next birthday rolls around, you guys understand that there’s no fear of her getting hurt or ending up in the hospital from enjoying time with a school friend. She loves her classmates and I truly hope and pray she gets to grow up thru the grades knowing each one because they are wonderful.
We as the parents are the cornerstones to the classroom (and the teacher is the heart). If you need to talk to me, I’m leaving my contact information at the bottom.


Sincerely,


Mrs. Carolyn Zardoust

Sound ok? Not harsh?

[Amy C.]

How do you know she is being excluded because of diabetes?

Has she developed any friends in the class to such a point that they could be invited over to play?

If you work on kids one at a time and everyone knows your daughter plays like everyone else, the word will spread.

Has she invited everyone to her birthday party?

[Mary Lou]

I don't think it's harsh.

Do you think she hasn't been invited to parties because of her diabetes?

That's really sad. I'm so sorry for your little girl. I think your letter is fine. I hope it helps.

On a side note, Andrew is also 6, in grade 1, and hasn't been invited to any parties, either. I do know, however, that there haven't been any parties yet that have been in his group of friends. He does have playdates...

does Kat have playdates?

[momtojess]

I would make sure that the reason she isnt being invited it strictly due to her diabetes.

Jessi is 6, and in 1st grd. She has only been invited to one party since being in school, and every kid got one to that party.
My boys didnt start getting invites until they were in 2nd grade.

Does she go to playdates with the other kids in her school? maybe invite a friend or 2 from her class over for a playdate, and ask the moms to stay. Educate them on a one to one basis. let them get to know you and your dd

[liasmommy2000]

ITA on double checking that D is the reason. Lia's only been to a handful of b'day parties since she started school. But I've talked to other parents and it seems where we live, most people stick to family parties until the kids are older and start wanting slumber parties.

Otherwise I don't see anything wrong with it, but I would not say her pancreas died, just that part of it doesn't work properly. The pancreas has other functions besides insulin production. But maybe that is nit picky of me lol.

[Mama2H]

I think it sounds good. You know, this is one thing I truly hate about D. Hailey is in 6th grade now, before her dx she was invited to parties and slumber parties on a regular basis (at least once a month). Now she has only stayed with her best friend and two other girls in the year since dx. That is a big slap in the face to an 11 year old, she watches the girls on fridays with thier bags of clothing and thier makeup kits etc... and I see it break her heart. If I were you I would send that letter now and nip it in the butt before she is Hailey's age and being obviously left out.

[hawkeyegirl]

I think what I would do in your situation is to go ahead and send the letter, but revise it to remove the talk about her not being invited to birthday parties in the past. I think you could let parents know in a general way that if their child wants to invite her to a party or a playdate, that you will take the responsibility for taking care of her diabetes needs at those events, and that they don't need to worry about it. The letter has a vague scolding tone to it (and I understand why! I would be extremely hurt if my son was being excluded because of his diabetes), and I think its message may be better received if you just use it as a way to reassure parents that you will do everything that needs to be done if their child wants to invite Katerina to a party. You don't want anyone to feel obligated to invite her to a party - you just want her to be treated like every other kid. :o

[KeltonsMom]

Before Kelton was dx'd he was invited to so many parties, but once he was dx'd all the invites stopped and he asked why and he was told it was because his friends now viewed him as having a disease :mad: And the parents of these children were the ones telling their kids this..So, I went into the classroom one day when the class was having a bring your parents to lunch and I made a speech about D and told everyone all about it..Unfortunately it didn't change the way most of the parents felt about Kelton and they still would not allow their kids to have Kelton over or to allow their kids to come to our house..

All of this changed once we moved from upstate NY to California, he made new friends at the public school he went to, many of these kids did not have parties where they would invite friends to their house or out, but had small family gatherings..

[BrendaK]

It might sound better if it was a letter coming from the teacher. Every week Carson's teacher sends home a newsletter and when Carson started his new school after we moved in October, the teacher made sure to write about Carson's diabetes. She wrote an EXCELLENT letter about how Carson could do anything and eat the same as everyone else, he just needed insulin for his food and has to wear a pump.

As a parent, I might take offense at a letter coming home like that and feel even more pressure during the next birthday party. I would feel like you're pointing fingers at me. And I think the letter gets a little too technical when you start explaining that a carb is a carb -- I don't think that in the short letter the average uneducated person would really understand that.

Can you ask the teacher to write a letter saying that her diabetes doesn't stop her from doing anything, including birthday parties and school celebrations. It would sound less "threatening" coming from a teacher.

By they way, Carson didn't get invited to any school birthday parties in kindergarten and I'm sure it wasn't diabetes related. Most parents didn't even know he had it.

[czardoust]

Kat has come home crying twice this year because someone in her class had a birthday and she was not invited by the parents (the child has, but the parent said no). Kat is a complete social butterfly, everyone loves her, the class is very close knit, we're in a small town. We dont have big birthday parties here due to lack of $$$. We just have the family together, until the big 16th birthday which is a big party bash (this yr will be our first attempt at that our oldest is turning 16 in 2008). However our kids know that they are welcome to go to someones house and visit, play, go to parties, just no sleep overs. The only other reason that Kat could be getting excluded is because she is part Iranian, but that excuse doesnt fly because my other kids are too and they have had plenty of invites over the years. I dont know maybe its because we dont go to church, we dont get out much at all. whatever the reason....maybe i'll hold off in sending this letter..... i'm just tired of seeing Kat excluded for whatever reason, when she is depressed and tears come down her face, I want to punch something.

[sevans]

Jacob is in the 7th grade and he has a couple of friends that he has stayed the night with, but I know the parents b/c our kids play baseball together. Since he was 3 when he was diagnosed I don't have anything to compare it with. I do have a friend with a diabetic son that was diagnosed in the 2nd grade and she expressed concern about him not being invited over to anyone's house or bday parties. :confused:

Kids have to go through the normal hard to grow up stuff and having diabetes just adds to it. So Sad.:(

edit: about your letter... Not harsh at all. I understand why you want to address the issue, but I would try to talk to a couple of the moms of her friends and maybe invite a couple of friends over for a sleep over one night.

Good luck with it. As a mom...I know that when our kids hurt, we hurt too. Keep us posted

[Mama2H]

(((((hugs))))) I hear ya Carolyn :(

[thebestnest5]

How will the letter be communicated to the parents of the children in your daughter's class?

[Lee]

Ouch...poor little girl. I don't think the letter will solve the problem though. I guess I don't really know what will. Maybe try to start having some of the kids over to your house to play. Then, when the parents come over, just casually mention how happy you are to have their kid their, and how D makes it hard sometimes, but Kat would love to go over there. Build that relationship with 1 or 2 of her best friends and then see...


In the younger years, most parents who do have a friends bday tend to limit it, so maybe it wasn't D, maybe the mom said 3 friends only or something...not that it makes Kat feel better.

[Mama2H]

My name is Carolyn Zardoust, mom to Katerina who is in Mrs. Hollingsworth’s class this year.

As many of you may know, Katerina has Type 1 Diabetes. I’ve noticed a pattern in kindergarten and this year also that Katerina herself has also noticed and has come to me and asked me about. No one has ever invited her to a birthday party. She wants to know why the other children are going to parties and she is not allowed to go. Having come out and said that, I hope no one takes offense because my purpose is not to point a finger, but to educate in a positive way.

Type 1 is not the kind of diabetes you get from getting fat, eating junk food or being lazy. She was 3 yrs old and one day her pancreas stopped working correctly. I measure all her food, count the carbs and give insulin to correct her for everything she eats and I check her blood sugar 10 times every day and night to help her maintain a healthy body. She eats whatever she wants within reason, no different than any other child. Children with Type 1 diabetes no longer have to stay away from sugared foods. She is able to eat cake, ice cream, pizza, whatever is served at a party.

I just wanted the parents to know this so you understand that there’s no fear of her getting hurt or ending up in the hospital from enjoying time with a school friend. If it would make any parent more comfortable I would be more than willing to attend any party or activity to take care of any of her medical needs, I do not want a parent to not invite her because they do not know how to take care of her or they do not want to have to worry about her while they are throwing a party. She loves her classmates and I truly hope and pray she gets to grow up thru the grades knowing each one because they are wonderful.

We as the parents are the cornerstones to the classroom (and the teacher is the heart). If you have any questions or concerns, I’m leaving my contact information at the bottom. Please feel free to contact me, I would love to hear from other parents.

How does that sound? I hope you don't mind my editing :o

[czardoust]

I made 20 copies to give to the teacher to pass out so they could take them home. But I might sit on this. Someone mentioned a letter from the teacher. That might be better. Im actually thinking if it wouldnt just be better next year if the fact that she has D isnt mentioned at the beginning of the year. A note was given to the parents on day one that she had it. Come to think of it, it mentioned staying away from sweets.

[czardoust]

omg that is great. :) thank you! thats what i wanted to say lol. k, copying/pasting that. :D

[Mary Lou]

Okay, so I've been shoveling my front path, mailbox and back door, thinking about your situation. My *second* thoughts are....

1. Why do you think that diabetes is the reason she isn't being invited? Seems to be the best way to garner an invitation is to issue one yourself. If Kat doesn't invite friends to her parties, it sort of stands to reason that she won't be invited to theirs.

2. When we have birthday parties, often we have to limit the number of friends our boys can invite and some kids make the list and some kids don't.

3. I feel your pain. I remember the first time Brian came home crying because someone was having a party and he wan't invited. I had to explain to him the limiting number thing and point out that many of his friends don't get invited to his party, either.

4. Parties don't have to be expensive or even birthday parties. You could have a couple of her friends over to go sledding (ok, maybe not sledding in Alabama, but something).

5. An invitation from a child to a child isn't an invitation. It needs to come in the mail from the parent. You can't have any idea what went on behind the scenes between the child asking Kat and then the mailbox remaining empty. Maybe the child was feeling guilty and invited her even when she knew she couldn't have any more friends, maybe she was just impulsively inviting her when it was a family-only affair. Who knows?!

Okay, so apparently I have thought about this an awful lot. I hope you don't mind. We hate seeing our kids suffer, but situations like this are a fact of life. It sucks. But it might not be about diabetes. It might be a wake up call that you need to be more active in helping your child develop peer relationships.

I would like to point out that I seriously stink at doing this myself. My kids rarely have playdates and mostly just hang out with the kids they play sports with or live beside (or each other). I think your post has touched a nerve with me because I truly understand where you are coming from.

Finally, our school administration has to approve all correspondance that gets handed out at school, so you might want to check with the teacher before walking in with copies.

[Tripper]

asked why and he was told it was because his friends now viewed him as having a disease :mad:
I never even thought that this might be in play, but now it shines recent events in a new light. hmmmm.... I wonder...

[Adinsmom]

Just a thought and a different perspective. In our experience Kindergarten and Preschool aren't big invite kid's to birthday party years. Most parents including myself only invite very close family friends and relatives. Because I for one, do not feel comfortable dropping my young child off to a party unchaperoned and I don't want the invitees parents to feel uncomfortable either. And this was/is before D entered our lives.

Sometimes kids get excited about their party and invite another child. I know mine have without thinking it through. I think you r letter is a wonderful opportunity to introduce yourselves and explain Type 1. It will allow parents to understand that your daughter is available for play-dates and such but I wouldn't make it all about birthday parties.

Good Luck. I am so sorry your daughter's feelings were hurt. It always brings out the mama bear in me when one of my kid's get hurt.

[Mom2Madi]

I'm so sorry you and your daughter have to go through this...other people just don't think about the child's feelings. We've had the same experience as Nicole/Hailey. My daughter had tons of friends all her life - all kinds of invites. When she was 9 she was dx and we moved to get better medical care so she didn't have a support network of friend's already. Going to a new school she was just known as the girl with diabetes (1315 kids and she's the only D one). Last year in the 4th grade she got only 2 invites (my son got a whole bunch more), one was because everyone was invited. For her own bday party two out of the three she invited from her class "were busy". She had one good friend that always had an excuse for not being able to come to our house or do anything with us so I called the mother and she point blank told me the child asked for my daughter to come over all the time and the Mom said no. We talked awhile and it was solely due to Diabetes, I cried for a long time that day realizing how different life was now.

She's in the 5th grade now and invites get passed around her and the girls come in on Monday talking about the things they've done together. I came in and talked to the class both last year and this year. The problem is more about the parents and not the kids.

I hope it gets better for you after you send your letter. We've lived here 1.5 years now and we do have a few kids come to our house now if I ask but she's still very rarely gone to others.

[Debbie]

This is such a hard thing to deal with! I'm not sure about sending the letter. I think I would just try to have a lot of playdates at my house. Adyson has experienced some of this. One of our best couple friends divorced and when it's the dad's year to have the b-day party he won't let his daughter invite Ady (because of D) and they have been friends since birth. It is so sad for our kids---just one more yucky thing to deal with!:(

[coni]

Here's what we've done -
At the beginning of each school year, I provide the teacher with an letter regarding DD and Type 1 diabetes. I do this to inform the parents of what their children may observe in the classroom, e.g. blood sugar checks, shots, etc. I also take time in the letter to (briefly) inform parents about Type 1. I would be happy to send you a copy of the letter if you want, just PM me.

The reason I ask the teachers to send it at the beginning of school is to head off any misconceptions or concerns about DD. It seems to have worked well.

However, I will say that my older daughter, who is non-D, has been left out of the party circuit with girls since about 7 years old. She's well liked, but she isn't "one of the gang". There is a definite change in the b-day party "scene" here once pre-school and kindergarten are over.:p

My older daughter has started participating in Girl Scounts and other girl centered activities that do not just include girls from her school. Girl Scouts is usually very accommodating to those with special needs. Is there any other social outlet for your daughter?

I would hesitate to send a letter out now. I personally would wait until the beginning of the school year.

[Ellen]

I understand the hurt of a mom for the hurt of a child. It's certainly gut wrenching to see our children feeling left out and sad.

I agree about finding out the reason she's not invited, and that it's most important to invite kids to your house first so parents can get to know you and the kids can have fun together while you're watching. Everyone can become comfortable with the diabetes tasks on your turf first.

I also think it's unproductive to say the pancreas died. 99% of the pancreas still works just fine. Only the glucose responsive insulin production function has ceased to work. Just a nit ;-).

[Tori's Mom]

[COLOR="Blue"] I’ve noticed a pattern in kindergarten and this year also that Katerina herself has also noticed and has come to me and asked me about. No one has ever invited her to a birthday party. She wants to know why the other children are going to parties and she is not allowed to go. Having come out and said that, I hope no one takes offense because my purpose is not to point a finger, but to educate in a positive way.

You could remove this portion and instead state something like, "I just wanted to share a few things about Type 1 Diabetes that may answer some questions you may have."

That takes the strictly birthday related issues out of the picture and makes a general statement which may sound less like pointing fingers.

Just my humble opinion.

[Boo]

Though I feel for your daughter's situation, I'd personally hold off on the letter for several reasons.

1. Our school does require that all correspondence that goes home must be approved by the principal.

2. The part in the letter about checking her BG 10 times a day (and night) is kind of intimidating, and may just reinforce the erroneous feelings that she will be too difficult to care for/accommodate during a party. Someone else had suggested that you could mention to parents that you could handle all of her needs during any party...I think that would be a better approach. It takes the burden off of them.

3. Though it probably does, the situation MAY not have anything to do with her diabetes, and if it doesn't...well, then you just sound desperate.

I think you'd have better luck by planning more one-on-one play dates at your house. This gives your daughter a chance to develop closer friendships while under your supervision, and it gives you the chance to gradually get to know the parents of these friends better. Once the other kids and parents see that she can play just like the other children, I think some parents will come around (however...unfortunately, some never will). Like someone else said, it needn't be expensive (nor a party)...just a friend or 2 over for fun on an evening or weekend.

My son is 12 (Dx at age 8). All through elemetary school, his teachers have ALWAYS made the comments that he was very well liked and got along well with everyone. However, though he is very likeable, he really doesn't have many close friends. It's just the way he is. It really bothered me at first (because I like lots of friends :D), but I've come to accept it. He plays with his brothers (or me), but rarely plays with friends outside of school (not including sporting events). I do sometimes wonder if the age of his diagnosis impacted this...the end of second grade...when sleepovers started becoming very popular. He has only done 2 b-day slumber parties (both in the past year), both of which were in our neighborhood. My other 2 sons, on the other hand, are extremely social and have playdates and sleepovers all the time. I encourage my son to invite friends over, but he doesn't really care to.

I do hope that your daughter starts being included more soon. :cwds:

[MamaC]

I'd let the letter go out over the teacher's signature, reworded from her perspective. "There have been instances of hurt feelings on the part of children who have been excluded from parties..." Make it non-specific to Kat.

Our elementary school had a policy that invitations were not to be distributed in school so that exclusions were not so obvious.

You could also ask for a separate note clearing up the misunderstanding about avoiding sweets.

Becky

[Jensmami]

I do understand how you feel, the worst thing for a mom is when your baby is hurt. Having said that, I would not write the letter. For several reasons:

- You don't know what the real reason is why she was not invited

- Measuring 10 times a day, counting all the carbs, weighting everything
and so on sounds very scary and time consuming. Children's birthday
parties are stressful already, and to think to have to care for a child
with diabetes on top of it all might be too much. They also might be
afraid, that with having a diabetic child, who needs so much special
treatment at their kid's birthday party will take the "spot light" away
from the birthday kid.

I would invite kids to my house one at a time and show them that Kat is just like every other little girl. And for a birthday party I would let her run a little higher and correct later. But the most important thing is to become friends with the mothers:D , so they know what the deal is and so they want you there too, and then the whole diabetes would not be an issue anymore.

So far we did not make any bad experience with invitations, actually several mothers offered to learn what ever they need to learn to have Jenny over for everything from play dates, birthday parties, sleep overs and even for vacations. Maybe they do that because they know, we don't have the time to do it anyway:rolleyes: It is me, who does not want her to go without me;)

The other day I had a very interesting discussion with a little girl, who is in the same circle as jenny. She told me that it's kind of not fair that everybody loves jenny and her not so much. And she honestly thought they liked her because my dd has diabetes and they had issues with her because she has not. This was very interesting to me and I told her my take on that, but the point being that was honestly her opinion.

Maybe some kids are jealous because our kids get extra treatment, even if it is for medical reasons.

[frizzyrazzy]

I completely understand your frustration but sending that letter won't help. first any parent who receives that is instantly going to be put on the defensive. Second, having it come from the teacher makes no sense, and the teacher probably won't do it. The teacher cannot control what goes on in people's private birthday parties. This is a situation that doesn't involve school at all.

You can't control what other people do. What you can control is you - invite kids to your house - a lot. Get to know the other parents and kids, let them see that your child is a normal child . But don't send the letter.

[caspi]

I completely understand your frustration but sending that letter won't help. first any parent who receives that is instantly going to be put on the defensive. Second, having it come from the teacher makes no sense, and the teacher probably won't do it. The teacher cannot control what goes on in people's private birthday parties. This is a situation that doesn't involve school at all.

You can't control what other people do. What you can control is you - invite kids to your house - a lot. Get to know the other parents and kids, let them see that your child is a normal child . But don't send the letter.


Michelle, I agree with you that the parents may become defensive. All I keep thinking as I read these posts is how these invitations are allowed to be passed out in school to only the "chosen" ones. Our school has a strict policy that invitations can only be passed out if everyone in the class is invited. That is something that should be addressed with either the principal or the teacher.

Carolyn, I'm so sorry your daughter is going through this!!! This is totally unfair!:(

[Nancy in VA]

Michelle, I agree with you that the parents may become defensive. All I keep thinking as I read these posts is how these invitations are allowed to be passed out in school to only the "chosen" ones. Our school has a strict policy that invitations can only be passed out if everyone in the class is invited. That is something that should be addressed with either the principal or the teacher.

Carolyn, I'm so sorry your daughter is going through this!!! This is totally unfair!:(

Our school always had the "don't hand them out" policy but girls talk and giggle. They know who was invited before the party and they are definitely talking about it after the party. So, its gonna happen regardless, I think.

I personally wouldn't send the letter. If I were a parent receiving it, it unfortunately would make me LESS inclined to invite your child because I see it as "presumptious" that you would know my motivations for anything - especially since I would see "accusing" us of not inviting her due to her diabetes as a "mean" thing - meaning you were accusing me of being mean.

I agree with all of those who say invite the girls over for playdates - lots of playdates. That is going to be the best way to get her involved with the girls and the parents outside of school.

[frizzyrazzy]

Michelle, I agree with you that the parents may become defensive. All I keep thinking as I read these posts is how these invitations are allowed to be passed out in school to only the "chosen" ones. Our school has a strict policy that invitations can only be passed out if everyone in the class is invited. That is something that should be addressed with either the principal or the teacher.



Our school actually has a no invite policy as well, but the moms stand outside and hand the invites to the other moms waiting to pick kids up. so if you're excluded you KNOW it...and the kids all know it. This is why I am happy both my kids have summer b-days so we rarely have to put any other kid in the position of not being invited. lol

[Lee]

This is why I am happy both my kids have summer b-days so we rarely have to put any other kid in the position of not being invited. lol

I have them invite all the girls, it gets noisy, but I can't stand to exclude, so that is why I do it...no boys though - they're gross...at least for a few more weeks :rolleyes: oh, and we are having 24 girls over in a month :eek: spending hte night :eek::eek: (that's a double eek!)

[Ivan's Mum]

[QUOTE=BrendaK;100696]It might sound better if it was a letter coming from the teacher. Every week Carson's teacher sends home a newsletter and when Carson started his new school after we moved in October, the teacher made sure to write about Carson's diabetes. She wrote an EXCELLENT letter about how Carson could do anything and eat the same as everyone else, he just needed insulin for his food and has to wear a pump.

QUOTE]

I'll be honest and hope it doesn't hurt your feelings but I agree the withabove. I also write for a living and used to write promotional blurb for record companies and can tell you from the bottom of my heart, that although I feel your every word - you're making your daughter sound like high maintainence and a victim (spelling however is not my forte).

I think a quiet word in the teachers ear telling her all of your letter and a short note from the aforementioned teacher (maybe BrendaK can give you a copy of the one they used) will do the trick. If you mention in the letter that you attend parties that relieves a whole heap of stress.

Also, I mentioned perviously on another post of this nature, hang around after school to collect her, join a few school committees, invite kids over for play dates. Help everyone realise that she's user friendly and you're pretty cool too.

Just don't point the finger, no matter how much it is true. You don't want to be left feeling that she's been invited to parties because the parents got backed in to a corner. Not because of the wonderful kid she is.